107 days

Until I graduate. Can I make it? I sure hope so. 

... I just want to be ok.....

Life have presented me with a few trials as of late. I wont go into detail as they feel to personal to disclose but lets just say my life has been turned upside down. The purpose of life and the reasons for lessons has crossed my mind. My happiness has also been a lingering feeling. I wonder, 'What is this life and what is it all about? What is this dreamlike state we are in together and why am I here, what am I supposed to learn here?' 

I just feel different now. But I don't know what I feel different for? It is so confusing. I don't want to be living my life for anyone else. I don't want to give something up just to make someone else happy. Living with the ever falling turmoil within me I have trudged through the past few weeks trying to decide what the hell I am doing. Do I even care about this life anymore. Yes, yes I do. I think... and what parts are the most important.  

School has been extremely demanding. I follow the motions but I don't really feel like I have learned anything or even been paying attention. My mind is lost somewhere else. I can't decide where. Mostly the unsettling part is not knowing what the future has in store for me. Trying to find an internship in a field that I love but feel detached from in a sense. I feel not good enough to actually find a internship. I don't want to have to try right now. Boo hoo I am so lazy. I can't even stand my annoying sob story. I hate that I am so down and it's irritating me. I want to be a take charge person. I just need to take life by the hand and continue and be happy, but somewhere inside of me is not listening. 

Where do you step when you feel like the last steps you made are on shaky unstable ground? I need my ground to be solid... so my seed can grow strong.... but aside from being lonely and unsure of my future, my health is good and I have friends and family who love me. Sometimes though, they are the hardest people to talk with because it makes all of those fears and worries reality. 

I really want to go to the Euro Institute of Skin Care starting next June or September. I cannot decide if I want to go full time for 6 months or part time for 14 months. The latter sounds like a lifetime but at least I could work doing GIS while attending school part time. That way I can justify the money. Hopefully I can earn the money to pay for it quickly and feel even more self-sufficient. Although I have not felt self-sufficient in a long time, maybe never. As of now I am swimming in medical bills from my recent foot surgery, trying to remain sane as the pressure to be independent is drowning me more and more each day. Skin care is such an important thing to me. I feel that is it my calling, my passion, helping people feel relaxed and taken care of. A calming atmosphere where everyone can feel safe and calm. Soothing music and soft and organic aromas. Could I as for anything better? I hope not. Except to maybe be the one  getting facials and body wraps instead of giving them. Maybe overall self love and content with myself is a more realistic goal for my inner peace. If I choose the 6 months program I would graduate this time next year and finally be able to carry out a dream I have had for 6 years. At first the dream was just an idea, a 'something I might do on the side' and slowly it began to grow into an inner calling, urging me to follow this dream, imagine a life where I can work hard to please people, help them feel confident about presenting themselves to the world, a life where I can leave my work AT WORK.

For so many years, even now I can see myself as a teacher for young children. Kindergarten or first grade, maybe even younger like a preschool. I only feel that this job will be too emotionally draining. I tend to worry about the well being of people and am concerned that I would pull my work too far into my personal life and I don't want that. I want the division of home and work to be very defined. Not that I wont be passionate about skin care, I truly will, I just want to pursue my own interests on my free time, not make my life about it. Maybe start taking yoga again. And continue to pursue both inner and outer beauty and well being. 

Here are my thoughts as of late.... thoughts they are.